Old is always fifteen years from now.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Is the glass half full, or half empty?
It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
The three ingredients of a successful union between two . . . humor, commitment & undying love.
Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
When you become senile, you won’t know it.
I wasn’t always black… there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on.
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think — in a deeper voice.
Gray hair is God’s graffiti.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.