Funny Quotes

We have a whole Category of funny quotes on different topics. This is a summary of all the funny quotes page we have compiled so far.

Some Funny Driving quotes:

:: Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
~George Carlin

:: I can’t swim. I can’t drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
~ Dylan Moran

:: Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.
~Mac McCleary

Funny Quotes by the Most interesting Man in the World:

:: He E-files his taxes, with an abacus
:: He once heard that you can’t stare into the Sun. Then he stared into the sun, and night was born.
:: When he enters a room, lights dim in his honor.
:: He is not a god, yet the Pope goes to him for confession
:: If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
:: He once taught a German Shepard how to bark in Russian

Funny Women Quotes:
:: Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.
~Mae West

:: How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”
~ Funny Women Quotes by Oscar Wilde

:: Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
~Funny Cat Quote by Jeff Valdez

:: I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.
~Brendan Behan’s funny quote on Alcohol

:: Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~Funny quote about beer by Benjamin Franklin

:: Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for.
~Mae West

:: A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Funny Marriage Quotes.

:: Gossip is the art of saying nothing in such a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
~Walter Winchel’s Funny Gossip Quotes.

:: Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
~Oliver Goldsmith

:: I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
~Funny sayings by an Unknown Author on Astrology

:: To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.
~George W. Bush on Graduation

:: No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink.
~ Gilbert K. Chesterton on Drinking

:: My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
~Henny Youngman on Drinking

:: The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
~ Funny drinking quote by Humphrey Bogart

:: One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
~Nancy Astor’s Funny Drinking quote

:: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
~Mark Twain on Clothes

:: The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret
~ Henny Young on Wedding

:: I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible…and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
~Victor Borge’s funny family quotes

:: I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?
~ Sarcasm quote by Jean Cocteau

:: As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
~ Funny teenager quote by Fran Lebowitz

:: Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
~John F. Kennedy on Forgiveness and Enemies.

:: Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’
~ Funny Birthday Quotes by Steven Wright

:: Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
~Bob Hope on divorce

:: I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
~ Funny quotes about Dancing by Bob Hope

:: Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
~ Robin Williams on Ballet

:: Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
~Will Rogers on Taking Action

:: A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5, and ends giving $5 worth for $500.
~ Funny Lawyer quote by Benjamin H. Brewster