Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
If you can build a business up big enough, it’s respectable.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
There is nothing as stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
Heroing is one of the shortest lived professions there is.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
\America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what’s going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Diplomats are just as essential in starting a war as soldiers are in finishing it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
You can’t say civilization isn’t advancing: in every war, they kill you in a new way.
Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
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